Dear Athena

Dear Athena, I find myself in a somewhat strange living situation. In fact, as I spend half of my time as Queen of the Underworld, ‘living situation’ doesn’t seem quite the right way of putting it.

I should explain. A while ago now, I was married. The wedding was a surprise to everyone except the groom… and possibly his brothers. My mother was particularly shocked by this turn of events. She was devastated to have our time together so brutally and unexpectedly cut short, and did everything in her power to find out where I was and restore me to her side. (As she has her very own Olympian throne, ‘everything in her power’ is actually quite considerable).  

Eventually a compromise was reached. It was agreed that I would spend half the year with my mother, and half the year with my husband. There is no doubt that this was a remarkable feat; flexibility and compromise are not concepts frequently associated with the gods. Where I struggle with it all is that this major decision about my life and my time was made entirely on my behalf. At no point was I consulted about my opinions or feelings on the matter.  I mean, it would have been nice to have been asked if I wanted to get married come to that, but that’s a whole different conversation. I am an adult woman, a goddess, a queen now, and yet I feel like a child whose custody is being fought over.

I recognise that the situation could be a lot worse, but I can’t help feeling a little trapped. What other deity has their existence so precisely mapped out like this? I crave some novelty, some unpredictability. There is also a distinct lack of dignity in having one’s movements decreed by others. How can people respect me as a queen if I don’t even rule my own life? I’m keen to make the best out of the situation I’ve been placed in, but how can I make myself heard?-avoiding_seedy_behaviour

Athena says: Well this is another classic from our favourite divine boys’ club… Please know that I am here whenever you feel ready to expand on your ‘surprise wedding’ experience.

I completely understand your frustration at being left out of decisions which entirely concern you, and I promise to make no excuses for the role played by your husband and his allies. However, I do hope that you are cutting your mother some slack, she was only acting out of love. Not actually having a mother myself, I cannot claim to be a motherhood expert, but I am the goddess of wisdom, and so feel fairly confident in saying that your mother was following her instinct here.

It is part of her very nature to step in and protect you as best she can. It may result in you feeling slightly infantilised, but at least you aren’t going to spend eternity trapped in the Underworld. So however you might be feeling, I urge you to be kind. Everything she did was for you, and with your best interests at heart. And, as you say, forcing her fellow Olympians to back down and agree to a compromise is a remarkable achievement. Honestly, I think a ‘thank you’ wouldn’t go amiss…

It is part of your mother’s very nature to step in and protect you as best she can.

It’s wonderful that you have reached full-fledged goddess-hood, and that you are ready to take on the responsibilities of being a queen. That being said, these are deeply personal milestones, and others may not perceive them immediately, particularly not your fellow immortals. We’re used to things remaining the same, and big changes are much more likely to register than small ones.

It’s no good waiting around for others to notice. This will only lead to them making more decisions on your behalf. If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to behave like one. (This same rule applies to being a queen). This means communicating, adapting, defining terms, not sulking in petulant silence.

If you really do want to make the best out of your situation, then you have to take ownership of it.

I get the sense from your letter that what you really wanted was to complain to someone about your situation, and that my advice so far is unlikely to have been what you were hoping to hear. But wanted or otherwise, writing to an agony aunt means inviting an outpouring of wisdom, so get ready for some more!

If you really do want to make the best out of your situation, then you have to take ownership of it. And I think there are more ways of doing so than you are able to see right now. After all, you may not have control over where you spend your time, but you are in charge of how you spend it. I realise that the possibilities are slightly limited in the Underworld, but you are its Queen, shape it into the kingdom that you want it to be. Choose your court, your companions, your entertainment. Hades gains new occupants all the time, you’re unlikely to grow bored.

And when you’re above ground, Ouranos is the limit. Your mother may have fought to have you restored to her side, but she is not your jailor. I am sure that she would understand your need to travel and explore in addition to spending time with her. Surely part of what she was fighting for was to give you the opportunity to do just that.

You are more than entitled to be angry at being left out of your own future plans, and by all means feel that anger, but please express it, too, and to the relevant people. I have no doubt that these conversations will prove fruitful, and will lead to you having the rich and varied immortality that you seek.

You may also like: