Dear Athena, I met someone recently. It was amazing, he swept me right off my feet – well, off a cliff actually. He was handsome, heroic, hilarious, I felt an instant spark.
Honestly though, we’re a few weeks into the relationship now, and I’m starting to wonder if I might have been a bit hasty. Some of his behaviour is giving me real cause for concern, and I’m becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I’ve left my home, my family, everything familiar, for someone I barely know.
I should say that this wasn’t total foolishness on my part. The home I left behind had not been treating me well at all. In fact, when my S.O. and I met, I was chained up to a rock as a sacrifice to a sea monster. (It’s a long story involving my mother offending a sea goddess) You can see why I was eager to get away, but perhaps I should have given it a bit more thought first.
As more and more red flags start flying, I catch myself wondering what happened to the person I met on that cliffside. The man I find myself with now is self-centred, constantly trying to prove himself, quick to anger, even quicker to resort to violence. If only I was uncovering more positive aspects of his character as well. I know that the right thing to do is raise my concerns, but I’m scared in case he turns on me next.
I also know that I don’t really have a right to feel sorry for myself. I am the architect of my own misery. What I would really like is an outsider’s perspective. Am I just overreacting to the end of the honeymoon phase, or have I made a terrible mistake? –should_have_left_me_hanging
Athena says: Moments of self-doubt like this can be pretty petrifying, but I’ll be honest, I would be more concerned if you weren’t having qualms about your decision to run away with a strange man. It was a huge leap of faith.
I think you can afford to give yourself a bit of a break though. You’ve been through a lot recently, and not just in the romantic department. It was bound to get overwhelming and scary at some point; your exciting new love couldn’t block out the trauma of being offered up as a sacrifice forever. I think that particular event is going to require further unpacking at some point, when you feel emotionally ready to return to it. But you wrote to me for advice on your love life, and that is what I shall dispense.
Your exciting new love couldn’t block out the trauma forever
The beginning of your relationship is undoubtedly the stuff of legend, and that was always going to be hard to follow. So you may well be right in thinking that what you’re experiencing now is the end of the honeymoon period, but that doesn’t mean that the fun is over.
You’re wondering what has happened to the man you first met, and you might be just the person to help find him again. Remind yourself of the qualities that first attracted you to him, and take the time to observe these alongside his more concerning behaviours. It’s all too easy to focus on the negatives and start taking the good things for granted. You had a spark once, and there is no reason why it can’t burn brightly again.
It’s important not to trap yourself in a web of gratitude
That being said, you shouldn’t ignore your worries. If your instinct is telling you that something is wrong, then you owe it to yourself to do something about it. This necessitates an uncomfortable conversation, as you already know. Try to think of it as giving your partner and your relationship a chance rather than as a confrontation, you may find this a less daunting prospect. The important thing is that you don’t trap yourself in a web of gratitude. Your boyfriend’s heroic opening gambit doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you poorly, nor does it mean that you must remain indebted to him in a life of silent suffering. You have a voice in this relationship, don’t be afraid to claim it.
If, after this honest discussion, you find that he is not the man you thought and that you cannot see a future with him, you don’t have to think of it as a mistake. You needed to leave a place where you were unhappy, and he helped you to do that. He was the right person for you at that time. It’s fine if it transpires that he was just your ticket out of there.
Send him packing before he turns you into left luggage
I’m glad that you’ve written to me at this point in your story. You mention concerning patterns of behaviour, but for me, the biggest red flag fluttering in the breeze of your young man is his heroic status. These self-centred and thoughtless ‘heroes’ are always abandoning those who have helped them, those they have professed to love, just look at the stories of @Abandoned_on_Naxos and @aeneid_of_an_apology among far too many others! If it’s really not working out then I urge you to change the narrative and send him packing before he turns you into left luggage.
‘It’s all very well you saying that, but where will I go once we’ve parted ways?’ – is a question that I imagine will feature prominently in your response to this. And my answer is: anywhere. Yes, it will be tough, but you are in a much better position than many others fleeing their home. You have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of, no crimes which need to be cleansed. If he’s decent, lover-boy might even be able to help you, get him to dish out some of that heroic charm as you seek shelter
Stay or go? Commit or break-up? These may seem like major decisions, but they’re not set in stone. Experiment, make mistakes, keep leaping faithfully, your fresh start awaits.
Dear Athena 