Dear Athena, everyone has preconceptions about what a marriage in the spotlight will be like. I certainly did when I tied the knot with my husband, who just so happens to be one of the most famous men in all Greece. I was excited for the fancy events, the special treatment, the glamour, but I tried to stay grounded and aware of some of the more negative aspects: the constant scrutiny, the lack of privacy, people feeling as though they have the right to comment on everything that you say, do and wear.
I felt prepared for these aspects of celebrity married life, but what I didn’t anticipate was the realisation that when your partner is a living legend, they can never wholly belong to you. I don’t mean that in a twisted way, I’m not trying to keep my husband all to myself at all times, but it is difficult to walk down the street surrounded by screaming strangers who feel as though they know the love of your life as well as you do. I worry that we’ll never achieve that special, easy companionship and intimacy that you hope for between husband and wife. How can we when he must constantly treat people we don’t know as close friends, and I am expected to accept being in second place to every town, village and damsel in distress that comes a-calling? Just once in a while I would like to get away from it all and have his full attention.
He can never predict how long he’ll be away for when he sets off on one of his quests and the more time stretches between us, the more I start to panic that he’ll get swept up in his own heroism and fall in love with someone else as part of the adventure. You can hardly blame me when you think about how the two of us first met.
I was in the clutches of a particularly unpleasant centaur and he just so happened to be passing by, thank the gods! He quickly dealt with the matter, snatching me to safety before wrestling my captor to the death. While he lay dying, the centaur called me over and suggested that I take a few drops of his blood. He told me that washing my husband’s tunic with it would make him put me above all others for eternity. I don’t know why, but I did as he said, although this strange episode soon slipped my mind as I got caught up in a whirlwind of romance with my very own hero.
Recently though, the memory of this magical blood has trickled back into my thoughts. My fears and anxieties are becoming an increasingly stubborn stain on our marriage, and it would be a very easy way to deal with them. But is it safe? Is it right? I’m not sure how much longer I can cope with constantly coming in second, but I’d very much appreciate a second opinion before I reach for this last resort. –heart_on_the_washing_line
Athena says: Although I’ve never tried it myself (thankfully), I’m no stranger to the pitfalls of dating and marrying heroes. Yours is a different tale from the usual heroic horror stories I receive because you actually still seem to like your husband. This being the case, I’ll forgo my usual rant on the faults and failings of these ‘great’ men.
If you would like to read one of these rants, why not check out Was I destined to be forgotten?
I’m aware, unfortunately, that your fondness for your husband doesn’t actually make your situation any easier. It is indeed hard to cope with the reality of celebrity status and although, as you say, people have plenty of ideas about what it must be like to be famous or related to a famous person, there are very few individuals who can truly understand what it is like. Luckily, my family has been navigating notoriety since the beginning of time so I am one of them!
While it’s important that you support and encourage your husband, do make sure that you are remembering the distinction between yourself and his many other admirers. You are not just another member of his fanbase, clamouring for a moment of his attention. You are his wife. He chose you above everyone else, and for good reason.
While you’re being swept along in the flood of someone else’s fame, it can be all too easy to for your sense of self-belief, worth, and identity to be washed away. Your marriage and your love for your husband is a part of who you are, but what about the rest of you? Who were you before you became his wife? Who are you now?
Make sure that you are remembering the distinction between yourself and his many other admirers
Once you start to bring your focus back to yourself, you should begin to feel more secure. Make time to nurture your connection with people other than your partner. Work out what it is that you would like to be doing with your days. That way, the next time your husband is off on one of his quests you won’t feel as anchorless and anxious. The crucial thing is that you remember that you are a valuable and interesting person in your own right.
Doing everything in your power to make this situation easier for yourself is important, but this isn’t a challenge that you can face entirely on your own. It’s time for you to tell your husband how you feel. To help you find the strength to do this, I think it’s worth pointing out that you and your husband are on a more equal footing than you perhaps imagine. While he may not be new to the spotlight, he is new to balancing it with married life. You both have adjustments to make and lessons to learn.
Once you’ve got everything out in the open, you may find that the close partnership which you crave starts to blossom as you work together to find solutions, which could include carving out untouchable time just for the two of you, setting clear boundaries for fan interactions, sending messages to each other while you are apart – I won’t spoil any more of your bonding time by giving you all the answers right now.
Considering what you know about the character of this centaur, has it never occurred to you to question what his intentions might have been?
However, there is one thought that I urge you to rinse from your mind for good: that centaur blood, which in my opinion is a never resort. Considering what you know about the character of this centaur, has it never occurred to you to question what his intentions might have been? Personally, I’d even be tempted to accuse him of planting the seeds of doubt and insecurity that have led to your current unhappiness.
Putting my opinions to one side, let us imagine briefly that he had a total change of personality in his final moments. Let’s say that this blood actually would make your husband put you above all others for eternity. Is that what you really want? Would you truly be happy in a relationship reliant on artifice? Does your husband need to give up the heroics to make your marriage work? Or would cleansing the man you love of this key characteristic cause your life together to lose some of its colour? Only you know the answer.
The truth is that there isn’t a magic potion to make relationships one long happy stroll through the agora. You have to put the work in, have the conversations, make the mistakes. It’s all part of the fun. I hope that you and your husband do make time for this, and for each other, and most of all I hope that that centaur blood ends up down the drain, unable to stain your marriage any longer.
Dear Athena 