Does loving really mean letting go? (Dido: Part II)

Dear Minerva, me again! I’d like to start off by thanking for you for your kind words to me in our previous correspondence. It was exactly what I needed to hear; you were right about everything including, unfortunately, your warning about the man I had chosen to love.

After all that we have been through: the distress, the excitement, the grief, the joy, he is leaving me. He convinced me to open up my heart once more, only to cast me aside in pursuit of his “destiny”. I cannot believe it. All my hopes, dreams, and plans for our future vanished, just like that. I feel so foolish.

It took me so long to allow myself to feel this way about anyone again, to trust anyone again, and now I’m just supposed to let it all go? I’m not sure that I can bear to. Having spent all that time waiting for love to find me again, it seems wrong not to make any attempt to fight for it.

The rational, queenly part of me knows that when you truly love someone, you allow them to do what’s best for them, however painful that might be for you. And this is the part of me that always wins, that puts her people, her family, her country first. Just this once, would it be so wrong to do something for me?

In the end it comes down to the question of which I would regret more: asking him to stay, or letting him sail away? – lamenting_lissy

Minerva says: Put any and all fears that this is going to be one long ‘I told you so’ aside. I’m right all the time, so I don’t feel the need to revel in the fact as some do.

I’m so pleased that you felt able to follow your heart, and so sorry that it has not worked out as you might have hoped. These heroes do get so worked up about their precious destinies. Admittedly, the gods don’t tend to help with this.

The idea of loving someone so much that you would let them go is a very selfless one. I applaud you for even considering it, but let me ask you: is your lover extending that same selflessness to you? Did he bring up his plan / ‘need’ to sail off to his glorious future as something for the two of you to discuss, or did he present it to you as a factum (fait accompli, for those of you whose French is better than their Latin)? Whether the answer is the latter or the former – and I suspect it’s the latter – I suggest treating him with the same level of courtesy as he has treated you.

The idea of loving someone so much that you would let them go is very selfless

I think you already know the answer to your question of which course of action, or lack thereof, you would regret more, but I’m more than happy to confirm it. Stand up for yourself, your relationship, the love you waited all those years for.

What I would say, however, is that this doesn’t necessarily entail asking him to stay. You can tell him that you want him to stay, that you love him, that you value all the experiences that you’ve shared and that you were hoping to plan a future together. That way, no matter whether he stays or goes, you will always know that you put it all out there, you gave it everything, you treated this romance with the respect that it deserves.

You will always know that you treated this romance with the respect it deserves

As I’ve said many times, the pull of a heroic purpose is mightily strong. You may not be able to fight against it. If such heartbreak is to come for you, let me ask you two more questions, the answers to which – I hope – will offer you comfort.

Firstly, having been treated so badly and cast aside so suddenly by this man, are you sure that you’d even want to stay in a relationship with him?

And secondly, irrespective of how things turned out, are you not proud of yourself for having the courage to love and be loved once more?

You are a brave, strong and noble woman. In my opinion, a man prepared to abandon you for his own gain does not deserve you. You have proved to yourself that you can open up your heart, and that is still true. I have no doubt that better things are out there for you, and that you will find a glorious future of your own.