Can I learn to love again? (Dido: Part I)

Dear Minerva, many years have passed since my husband’s death, and from that time I have remained faithful to his memory. I have not found this to be a particular trial… until recently, that is.

This past week has brought strangers to the shores of my kingdom, handsome strangers I might add. I was all too eager to offer shelter and hospitality to these brave men fleeing their ransacked city in search of a new home. I have found myself drawn most especially to their leader, a pious and honourable man, widowed like me.

I believe that our attachment to one another is growing, which is filling me with feelings both pleasant and unpleasant. On the one hand, I had forgotten how joyous the first flutterings of love can be, but they are very easily trampled over by a crushing sense of guilt and betrayal.

I have shared my struggle with my sister, and she seems to think that a new love is exactly what I need. She tells me that I deserve to find romantic happiness again, to have someone to share my burdens, to help with the running of my kingdom.

Part of me agrees, there is no need for me to be alone for the rest of my days. However, a widow’s loneliness can be a queen’s independence. I have become accustomed to living by my own laws, and to all the people in my kingdom doing likewise. After all the time it has taken to get to this point, do I really want to let someone else step in and take charge?

In addition to this, I worry that to fall in love again would be to dishonour my husband. Would his shade be displeased? Would my people disapprove?

My final concern seems trivial in comparison with these prospects, but I fear for the fragility of my heart. Having lost one man, I cannot face the idea of losing another. If remaining a devoted widow means avoiding further hurt and harm then perhaps that is for the best. Or is that mere lack of courage?

Each day my feelings deepen and each day I am more guilt-ridden and conflicted. Would I be a fool to let this chance for love pass me by? -lamenting_lissy

Minerva says: Well this is a rather exciting, and lovely “problem” to be presented with, if you don’t mind me saying so, and I hope that after reading my response you might start to feel the same way.

Love after loss is one of life’s (and death’s, I suppose) most complicated beauties; a bloom so delicate that one misstep may cause it to wilt. You have done exactly the right thing in bringing your feelings into the light.

I am going to begin with what I think is the easiest and, coincidentally, most important thing that I could say to you. You do deserve happiness, romantic and otherwise. Your sister is right. Of course you will always mourn for your husband and the life you might have shared together, but it is crucial that you make the most of the life that you have now.

Love after loss is one of life’s most complicated beauties

If you are even considering the possibility of loving again, then it is likely that you are ready to do just that. I completely understand why this has made you feel guilty and confused, but I hope that you will soon start to see it as a good thing. Difficult as it may be, you have to push other people’s thoughts and feelings to one side. This is about you. Being prepared to embrace the future in no way diminishes your grief or the tragedy of your loss, it just means that the next chapter of your life is there, waiting for you to turn the page.

While I heartily encourage you not to get in the way of your own happiness, I must acknowledge the validity of your other concerns. You’ve loved before so you know that there is more to it than sunshine and roses. Becoming half of a couple again would be a huge adjustment for you to make, but with the right person it would be worth it – in my divine opinion at any rate. As a queen, this is particularly complex for you, but clear communication and boundary setting should make for smooth sailing if and when you do decide to embark upon a new relationship.

The next chapter of your life is there, waiting for you to turn the page.

Now we must focus on the present, specifically the man in question. He is undoubtedly noble and pious, a possessor of all manner of heroic virtues. Yet he is somewhat careless as a husband. You are aware that he is a widow, but has he shared with you how he (literally) lost his wife? If not, may I refer you to the case of aeneid_of_an_apology…

That is not to say that I consider him to be a worthless prospect. I know that people grow, change, and learn from their mistakes. However, I simply would not be fulfilling my duties by not offering this warning to you, particularly as you are fearful of future heart-break.

Think of these handsome strangers as a message in an amphora

On the subject of that fear, in the case of your homeless hero, I think it may be well founded. Some part of you probably thinks so too, or you would not be so worried about it. Putting him aside for a moment, which is well within your rights as queen, then I’m afraid to say that being open to love is being open to the possibility of pain. No matter who you harbour in your heart, there is always going to be a chance that they might hurt you. But please do not let this hold you back. Think of the joy you shared with your departed husband. Surely it’s worth taking a risk to find that again? I know that you have the strength to try.

Whether you choose to pursue a romance with this man or not, there are many positives that I hope you will take away from this experience. Think of these handsome strangers as a message in an amphora of sorts. You are awake to new possibilities, new feelings, new life. You are able to acknowledge this. You are able to act upon it, but you do not have to. There is light, and maybe even love, at the end of the tunnel.