Dear Athena, I’ve always been the odd one out in my family. The spare part. The third wheel. It’s a little lonely, yes, but after a lifetime it’s something that I’ve just got used to.
Having said that, recently it has become one of the most frustrating things in the world. My family is spiralling deeper and deeper into a whirlpool of revenge, and I am the only one attempting to stay afloat. They’re all so focussed on “honour” and “justice” that they can’t see what’s happening to us.
Perhaps I should explain. I ought to warn you that this story is not only horribly convoluted, it’s also terribly tragic.
About ten years ago now, my father murdered my older sister. He offered her up as a sacrifice for his own gain. My mother was, unsurprisingly, distraught. She yearned to exact her revenge and, after biding her time, she was eventually able to do just that. I was horrified, but also a little relieved. That dark chapter in our lives had been brought to a close. What a fool I was.
Although I knew that my mother’s act of vengeance could never make up for the loss of my sister, I understood why she had to do it. She was suffering so much and needed to do something to ease the pain. My younger siblings, however, completely failed to comprehend her feelings. They remained loyal to our father throughout it all, and now they are planning to murder our mother for her crimes.
When will it end? Why can none of them consider another’s perspective? My brother and sister neither value nor acknowledge my opinion, so I fear there is little point in trying to reason with them. I also worry that the mantle of revenge will soon be thrust upon my shoulders. After all, my mother will expect someone to right her wrongs. Is there any way to prevent this from happening? Any way finally to put an end to this monstrous cycle? – middle_child_in_mycenae
Athena says: The Furies have had a field day with your family! What a lot you’ve had to go through. I am so very sorry.
Revenge is a complex beast, one that can easily slip beyond our control. It’s tangled up in divine law and presented as necessary, but – as your story clearly demonstrates – it creates more problems than it solves. I’ll briefly interrupt my response to you with a PSA: if you want closure after a grievance, never choose revenge. It may seem like the sweetest option, but it leaves a bitter aftertaste. Note my word-use there – revenge is always a choice, just not necessarily an easy one.
I hope you’ll forgive my contradicting you, but it most certainly is worth you trying to persuade your siblings not to murder your mother. Seeing that written down makes it seem pretty obvious really…
This is the moment to find your voice
If you are able, you should always seize the opportunity to stop people from doing something terrible. It’s just as much for you as for them. Even if they ignore you, at least you’ll know that you did everything in your power to help. Having spent a lifetime as a whisper in a family of yells, I can imagine that speaking up for yourself is a somewhat daunting prospect. This is the moment to find your voice.
The next task, of course, is to work out what you are going to say. You understand why your mother acted as she did, you understand why your siblings are preparing their plot; while I commend your capacity for considering the feelings of others, I am concerned that you may be neglecting your own. We’ve established that revenge is not the solution you are seeking, so what is it that you do want? What alternatives will you present to your siblings? If they ignore you, how will you honour your mother’s memory without resorting to another act of violence?
Embrace your individuality, opt out of this tragic family tradition
These are just a few of the questions that you have to contemplate. It is not an enviable situation, but it is one for which I believe you are well equipped. You have shown that you are empathetic, you are compassionate, you are pragmatic, and much more besides. The qualities which have set you apart for all these years are the qualities that can now set you free.
Embrace your individuality, opt out of this tragic family tradition. The cycle can indeed be broken, and I believe that you must be the one to break it. In the end, all it will take is a decision to walk boldly down a path of your choosing.
Dear Athena 