Dear Athena

Dear Athena, during the last few days I have – literally – been to Hades and back, and my little trip to the Underworld means that I am currently required to undergo a cleansing three days of silence. In many ways this is a good thing: I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on the events that led to this situation. However, having given it all some thought I REALLY need to talk to someone about it. I don’t want to condemn myself to an “unclean” existence, and so am hoping that writing to you will prove an effective compromise.

A long time ago, my husband incurred a debt to Thanatos and more recently, he was required to pay up: he was going to die, unless he could find someone to go to Hades in his place. I’ll be honest, he did not take this news well at all. To cut a long story short, his distress became so much that I volunteered to go in his stead. I figured that it was the best thing to do not only for him, but also for our children. It is not easy to be fatherless in our society, as I’m sure you know. And so I endured the agonising process of bidding farewell to all my loved ones, faced the prospect of my children growing up without me, watched the grieving begin before I had even gone. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

On my death bed I made a few requests of my husband. I made him promise to live well, to look after our children, and – in an attempt to keep wicked stepmothers at bay – implored him not to remarry until our children were grown and gone. He agreed to everything. So imagine my surprise when, upon being snatched back from Hades by a well-known hero and presented to my husband in disguise (as required) as a new bride, I discovered that he was willing to break his promises! To top it all off, I have now heard that he attempted to throw himself into my grave at my funeral. He was going to abandon our children, completely undermining my reasons for taking his place among the dead, not to mention rendering my sacrifice utterly pointless.

I’m going to be able to talk again soon and I have now idea what to say. Should I forgive his broken promises, move on and go back to normal? Is that even possible? All words of wisdom gratefully received. – back2life_back2reality

Athena says: It must feel very confusing to be so desperate for conversation on the one hand and so utterly lost for words on the other. I think that writing everything down was a very good idea – the words might have exploded out of you otherwise!

It seems as though the strongest emotion you are feeling is frustration; frustration with your husband for breaking his promises to you almost immediately, frustration that you had to endure this death and separation from your loved-ones at all, and possibly even frustration with yourself for not feeling happier at having been brought back to life. And all of that frustration is valid (and understandable), but don’t let it entirely overshadow the fact that something amazing has happened.

Floating among the chaotic debris of your husband’s broken promises is one shining positive which you can use to anchor yourself as you navigate this new chapter: you have been reunited with your children. Your relationship with your husband may have been altered, and we will come to that shortly, but the connection between you and your children remains the same.

That is not to say that you will be able to pick straight back up from where you left off pre-death bed. However brief your stint in Hades was, you did actually die, and strangely, I think that is something that you are going to have to acknowledge before you can start to live again. You ask if it is possible to return to ‘normal’, and I think that you may be able to reach a normality of sorts, but you absolutely should not brush your death under the carpet in order to do so. You made an extraordinary sacrifice which shouldn’t be ignored just because you have been brought back to life.

You and your children endured a traumatic separation and had prepared for a very different future from the one that you now face. The fact that it is brighter cannot instantly erase all that pain and grief, but now that you have been restored to one another, you can recover from the shock and heal those wounds together. The task itself is not easy, but the choice to undertake it is. And it is making these simpler choices that will help you to ease into whatever normality you may find. The fact that you are uncertain about one area of your life shouldn’t hold you back from starting to live it again.

I should also say at this point that there is no pressure to decide what you’re going to do about your husband quickly. The end of these three days of silence is the deadline for your cleansing period and nothing else. Nobody is expecting you magically to have all the answers once you can talk again. Well, your husband might, but he’s not the one who’s just come back from the dead, so he’ll just have to be patient, won’t he?

Obviously, you cannot avoid talking to your husband altogether, so the best alternative is to explain to him why you can’t just get on with living your former married life straight away. Make him aware that his broken promises have both disappointed and upset you, and that you need some time to think about the best way to move forward. You never know, he might even apologise.

Whether or not you should forgive him in the end, I cannot tell you. One way you might be able to help yourself decide, is by imagining that this all happened to someone else you know. How would you advise a friend whose husband had done this? Is the advice you would give her what you want to hear right now?

Whatever you decide, I hope that you are able to relish every second of your life now that it has been restored to you and that you don’t allow yourself, or your husband, to forget the incredible sacrifice that you were prepared to make.