Dear Athena, family is a complicated thing, is it not? And I think I would be well within my rights to say that my family is more complex and close-knit than most. We’ve faced our fair share of drama, both as a collective and as individuals, and our most recent disaster is the cause of my writing to you. My problem is a unique one, and requires a great deal of context to be understood, so I hope that you and your readers will forgive me while I set out the facts. I will endeavour to do so as briefly as possible, and apologise in advance for the awkwardness with which anonymity has encumbered my tale.
For reasons I do not care to go into, my mother and father are no longer with us, leaving me, my older sister, and my two older brothers. My brothers fought over the kingship of our city, resulting in a war; Brother A defending our home, Brother B attacking it with a great army. My brothers died in this war, each responsible for the death of the other; killing and being killed.
My uncle (now the king) has passed a law forbidding any citizen from burying Brother B “the traitor” on pain of death, and this is where we come to my predicament: my sister intends to break his law and perform the necessary funeral rites for our brother. I too believe that it is wrong to allow my brother to remain unburied, but I think that there are better ways to honour and preserve his memory than by adding to our family’s death toll. We owe it to our departed loved-ones to face the future that they will never have, to remember better times, and to allow them to live on in us. I know that I have the strength to carry on if my sister is by my side, but I don’t know what I will do if she abandons me as well. I have lost so many people already. No matter what I say, I cannot seem to get through to her. How can I persuade her to change her mind, to choose the living and not the dead? Please help me re-write the conclusion of this tragedy.– Not_burying_my_problems
Athena says: I’m so sorry for all of your losses. Your ability to think of the future is frankly remarkable given the circumstances.
It is clear that you come from a family of strong wills, but what you must not forget is that one of those wills is yours. This obstinacy that you see in your sister right now is equally present in you. I should add that – in this case – this is not a criticism. Hold fast to what you feel is right, and speak up for yourself and your beliefs.
I do not condemn your sister for wanting to bury your brother. Leaving these rites unperformed is an act of sacrilege according to laws far older and more powerful than those of mortal kings. Something which your uncle would do well to remember…
But as you say, in her fervour to do the right thing, your sister is focusing entirely on her dead brother, forgetting that she has a living sister who needs her.
It is equally vital to show that you are willing to listen
You say that you have tried to get through to her, but have you put your case forward strongly enough? What may seem obvious to you may not have occurred to your sister at all. Set out your ideas for commemorating and honouring your brother, share your hopes for a brighter future, show her the life and love that she risks missing out on. At least then, whatever happens, she will know how you feel, and you will have left nothing unspoken.
Expressing your own point of view is indeed important, but it is equally vital to show that you are willing to listen. You have admitted to me that you understand (and in some ways share) her perspective on your uncle’s law, but does she know that? Through your differing opinions you have isolated yourselves from one another at a time when you should be drawing on each other’s strength. You dread being alone in the future, but are you any less alone now? By demonstrating that you are prepared to have a conversation rather than an argument you may encourage her to do the same. While you may not change each other’s minds, you will be putting yourselves in a position to support each other. Who knows, you may even reach a compromise, if there is one to be found.
Your ability to think of the future is frankly remarkable
While I absolutely encourage you in your attempt to change your sister’s mind, I would also caution you against being too optimistic. You have both experienced a great deal of trauma, more even than you have detailed in your letter, and you are reacting to it in your own ways. Your sister will choose her own path, and although you may offer her guidance, you cannot drag her along yours. You want to stop her from breaking the law because you love her and don’t want to live your life without her. Keep this at the forefront of your mind when you are discussing the matter with her.
If, and I hope this does not happen, you are unsuccessful in persuading her, do not lose all hope. The happier future that you dream of may be further out of reach, but it is not gone. You have coped with so much and it would be unbearably unfair for you to have to face yet another tragedy, but let me assure you that the resilience and resourcefulness to carry on is within you, that your memory is sufficient to preserve those of your loved-ones. The future you are fighting for is not just your sister’s, but your own. Do not surrender just yet.
Dear Athena 