Dear Athena

Dear Athena, I have spent the majority of my married life waiting. Waiting for the dreaded inevitability of my husband being called to fight in the Trojan War; waiting for that interminable conflict to reach its close; and, now that is finally over, waiting for my husband to return home. All in all it’s been about twenty years. I’m not sure that I even remember another state of being. But how much longer am I going to be kept waiting? Other survivors from Troy have returned to their homes, wives and children, so why not my husband? Where is he? Deep at the bottom of the ocean? In the company of another woman? Lost in an unknown land? Or is he moments away from our shores? I know that everyone thinks I am a fool for believing that he may still come home. The fact that I am surrounded by suitors, eager to claim my hand and his crown should they be given the chance is firm proof that most people have given him up for dead. I just can’t bring myself to do that yet. But what of our country, what of our people, what of our son? Their needs cannot be ignored for ever; a king and a father must appear, and soon. I’m putting off making any decisions, I’ve even gone as far as promising my covetous suitors that I will choose one of them once I have finished weaving a shroud for my father-in-law. What they don’t know is that each night I secretly unpick all that I have done. However, they do not have my patience and I know that it will not be long before my trick is discovered. I want to do the right thing for everyone and I fear that my faith in my husband is making me selfish. Should I continue to hope, or accept that he is never coming home? – weaving_and_waiting

Editors’ note: Due to a conflict of interest (Athena is extremely fond of the missing husband in question), she has not been as objective and sympathetic as she might otherwise have been in responding to this problem. We didn’t feel able to ask her to make changes, as she is a goddess, and we didn’t want to risk what she might do to us.

Athena says: This is indeed a knotty problem. I completely understand your desire not to give up on your husband just yet. He is, if you don’t mind me saying so, a fine fellow; so handsome, so clever, so commanding, so cunning, so brave… Undoubtedly one of my top five mortals. Fond as I am of this brilliant man, let me reassure you that it is not me who is keeping him from you. Much as I might want to.

It has been hard to keep tabs on our clever king. His journey home has led him far and wide, he has endured countless dangers, lost many comrades and, I will be honest, taken some delightful detours along the way. What I will say is that his aim has always been to return to you. Whether he is anywhere near the end of his quest, whether he will be successful in it, or even whether he is alive, I am not prepared to divulge. There is no easy answer. I am here to offer advice, not reveal the secrets of the future. You will just have to wait (sorry) and see.

Let us put my foreknowledge to one side for now, and imagine that I am an ignorant mortal woman – much like yourself – with no idea of your husband’s whereabouts, and unsure of his continued existence. What would I say to you then? I would tell you that the decision rests with you. He is your husband and you can wait for him as long as you want. I would marvel at how long you have kept the faith, and feel sad at how alone you must have felt. Patience is a virtue, and I am sure that you will be rewarded in some way soon.

I commend you for pulling the wool over your suitors’ eyes, but I must warn you also: they will not like being made fools of. Perhaps making any promise to them was a mistake. You suggested that you have given up on your husband and that one of them is capable of replacing him. Is that really what you wanted to do? It might have been better to be firm and honest with them from the beginning. To have told them that while it was certainly possible that your husband would never return, you were not prepared to accept that yet, let alone entertain ideas of marrying again. If you say that to them now they will undoubtedly accuse you of leading them on, and it could be argued that you were.

One question I do have for you is this: why does your country suddenly need a king now? You seem to have managed perfectly well for the last twenty years. There is, of course, a difference between an absent ruler whose time away from the throne has an end point (in this case, the end of the Trojan War), and one who is simply missing. What were temporary governmental measures seem to have taken on a permanent status. So why not make it official? Instead of giving in to the pressure of the wannabe kings who surround you, point out that everything has been relatively smooth sailing with you at the helm so far, and you see no need to change it now.

Instead of allowing people to focus on a king for the present, draw attention to the king of the future. Your country is not lost in the absence of your husband, its fate is mapped out and rests on the shoulders of your son. It may have been tempting to allow your little boy to remain childlike all these years; to give your husband a chance to raise him and to get a glimpse of the years he missed out on. But while you may choose to wait for your husband, you cannot force your son to do the same. It is time for him to grow up and learn to accept the responsibilities that will one day be his.

I would caution you against the belief that your husband’s return home will automatically untangle all the difficulties you are facing. After all, did you hear about Agamemnon and Clytemnestra’s reunion in Mycenae? Of course, your husband did not deceive you and sacrifice your child before setting off to fight for ten years so this is not quite the same situation. However, I would be surprised if you weren’t harbouring at least some resentment towards your husband for his ten year delay in getting home, and that will not magically vanish the moment that he walks through the door. Your separate experiences will have shaped and changed you both and it will take you time to become accustomed to one another. After twenty years on your own, any husband is going to be a massive adjustment for you, not just a new one.

When deciding how much longer you are prepared to wait, it is important to be aware that you are not only facing the question of “What happens if he doesn’t come home?”, but also “What happens if he does?” It is entirely up to you what you choose to do now, but I would say that you have held out on your own for so long that it seems a shame to give up at this point. It is your life, your marriage, your family, but I’m sure you can guess that I think that it would be worth it to wait forever for this man. As to how long forever might be, how long is a piece of wool?