Dear Athena

Dear Athena, I’ve made some mistakes – haven’t we all? But one particular choice I have made has garnered a great deal of attention. I’m on the receiving end of an awful lot of judgement, criticism, and – quite frankly – hatred. I left my husband, a dull, dismal king, far older than me, for a handsome and exciting younger man (a prince from another country). As a result, war has broken out and everyone is blaming me. I fully accept that I had a part to play in this violence, but I don’t think that responsibility should rest solely at my door. However, the whispers of anger and resentment are growing louder by the day and my conviction in this belief is weakening. I have no desire to be fought over like some prize, and I am starting to feel as though I am nothing but a face and body, a face and body surrounded by hostility and accusations on all sides. How can I block out this negativity and hold onto my sense of identity? – athousandwarships_butnofriendships

Athena says: This is certainly a difficult situation that you have found yourself in. Particularly as – believe it or not – you may not have been entirely of sound mind when you ran off with your handsome prince. There is a degree of blame which ought to be attributed to a certain meddling goddess, who rewarded your prince after he (unwisely if you ask me) favoured her in a contest. But that’s another story…

You say that you’ve made mistakes, but do you really believe that this choice was an error? Would you have been happy stagnating at the side of the old king forever? I’m sure that you neither need nor want anyone else weighing in with their opinion on whether staying or going was the right thing to do, so I shall remain objective. After all, what’s done is done. The only other question that I would put to you is this: was the choice – insofar as it was a choice – to run away with your exciting young lover the right choice for you at the time? No matter how things have turned out, if you can look back and answer that with a truly affirmative yes, then you have a hugely valuable addition to your fortifications against the harsh critics that surround you.

Let this be your reminder that you are not alone.

For now, let us put aside what may or may not have led to the circumstances in which you find yourself and focus on how you can cope with them. It is so easy to lose sight of any glimmer of positivity when sitting in the shadows of its counterpart. Let this be your reminder that you are not alone. There will be smiles and kind words among the crowds of grimaces and reproaches, you just have to look out for them. In time, you may find that you have no shortage of shoulders to cry on.

Speaking of support, where is your prince in all this? By your side, supporting you I hope. If not, perhaps it is time to jog his memory about his role in your decision, and about the loving role that he should be taking on now. Allow yourself to be drawn out, to think about something other than the war and your past choices. A simple conversation can provide the reminder you need that there is more to you than being ‘the woman who started the war’.

While it is good to lean on others, there are also many ways in which you can help yourself. The most important thing is to accept what you can and can’t control. You have acknowledged your partial responsibility for the current situation and, I am sure, expressed remorse. There is little more that you can do. People are exhausted by war, grieving their loved ones, and they are looking for someone to blame. You make the easiest target and, unfortunately, that is unlikely to change. Accepting that you have no power over what people think and say about you is easier said than done of course, but if you can find a way to let go then you are one step closer to being able to ignore the whispers all together.

Give your mind a break from guilt.

Another way to keep the critics at bay is to keep your mind occupied. You say that you want to hold onto your identity, but what is that identity? How did you live out your days before this all happened? Bringing your previously regular pastimes into your new life might bring an element of normality into your days, and make you feel less like an outsider. Not only that, but filling your time with tasks and activities will allow you to focus on something other than your struggles. Give your mind a break from guilt.

Another way that you can do this is to remind yourself of what you already know: you are not solely responsible for this war. In the moments when that belief feels weak, repeat to yourself that you did not want this war, you did not start this war, you have not fought this war. Repeat it until it rings true once more. This constant condemnation is unfair and unjust, and you must cling on to that.

Although you feel as though you are at the heart of it now, one day this war could be nothing other than the tales of heroes. Seize the chance to tell your story. Whether you confide in a friend, shout it from the city walls, or weave it upon your loom, putting your experience out there will immortalise it in some way. You cannot control what people say about you, but you can control what you say for yourself.